Tag: sex

I’m a Ghost of You, You’re a Ghost of Me

I’m a Ghost of You, You’re a Ghost of Me

by lindsannette ♥ 4 Comments

This move was important for me in a million different ways. Almost all of those include some sort of self-bonding, learning to trust myself, becoming more grounded in my body, in who I am and how I relate to the world and those around me. For the most part, minus the inevitable life that shows up, I have really hunkered down and made this a priority. Paramount has been my most recent excursion. Colorado is filled with people that seem connected with themselves and the outdoors, and it has been a noticeable effort to let that encourage rather than discourage, to use those around me as support, to steer clear of defeat. I often find myself in discussion with myself looking for reminders that this journey is highly personal and judging myself based on the experience of others will significantly hinder any progress.

A little background- I left home initially when I was 17. From then until 25 I lived with boyfriends, their families, in my car, on couches, and every now and then I could hold a job long enough to have my own apartment… for a few months at a time. When I turned 25, I met my now ex-husband, who I quickly moved in with and had the first real sense of stability that I could remember. While that relationship was a disaster and ended in turmoil for both of us, I am grateful for the friendship that came out of it and for the lessons I learned on how to live in a way that afforded me a roof over my head, food in my belly, and liquor off my breath.

I am not hard on myself for this and understand that in some ways I am a victim of circumstance, that I didn’t know how to show up for life, that role models were sparce, dependency was a bad word and repeated traumas held me captive in more ways than I can ever explain. I think my saving grace lies in understanding that I am a person among people. I have had it worse than some and better than others, I can give my experiences the attention they need and move forward as I see fit.

Fast forward- here I am living my life, standing up for myself, sitting on mounds of confidence after years of internal work and I decided that I wanted to go camp by myself, in my car, with minimal equipment and in an unfamiliar area. Something has been keeping me from feeling free. I thought for a while it was relationships with men, so I avoided those. Then, when approached with one, I still didn’t show up as myself even after years of intense work. There is and has always been something in me that Just. Does. Not. Let. Go. I began craving SO BADLY the feeling of just being, loving myself without distraction, letting go, saying yes, showing up, feeling deeply and without hesitation, breaking down walls. Getting outside has always been an avenue of freedom for me and I wanted to experience it on another level. I wanted to camp in my car in 20 degrees, to hike alone in the middle of nowhere, to bathe naked with a view of the endless wilderness. So, I did. I had conversations with myself, no one around to listen, I laughed and ran and smiled. I breathed hard and kept going when I needed to and rested when I needed that.

It has been some time since then, and I believe this was an absolute turning point, an awakening of self that will allow me to show up as me- because if I don’t, I know I’ll miss her too much to keep going.

Today I climbed a mountain. It was hard, I was tired. It was beautiful and I was astounded. My favorite therapy takeaway is along those lines, coexistence. It can be difficult AND wonderful. I can be scared AND happy. I can grieve my past AND be excited for my future.

As I sit in my car writing this, watching a stunning sunset, taking breaks between words to take it in- I know what is next. I feel connected to the universe, to my spirit, and to the ghosts of my past. They all give me the strength for this next chapter and it is going to be GOOD.

Standing in My Story

Standing in My Story

by lindsannette ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

In therapy today, we talked about how I often find myself struggling to be the combination of “who I was” and “who I am”. This has been brought to light more while entering the dating world post-divorce, as well as in my professional life. I have handled this a couple different ways, both of which we decided could use some work:

  • Hide my past completely and pretend to be a lesser version of myself, or
  • Overshare and test the willingness of those around me to accept all of me or be gone

I struggle with the combination of being a: working professional, sober alcoholic, free spirit, story teller, sexual trauma survivor, healthy sex-life advocate. I am in a season of learning how to allow all of these things to co-exist, and how I can show up in the world standing strong in my story.

This journey began with understanding that my unhealthy behaviors around alcohol and sex stemmed from brokenness. These were my self-harm and self-preservation techniques in the confusing world I was living in- the tools I used to dull the pain of unmanaged abandonment and trauma. They are not who I am, but instead experiences I had that have allowed me to reach kinds of emotional and physical bottoms that have bred an understanding of pain on a unique level. The journey continued when I began to understand that these behaviors hindered who I was. With them removed, I am able to lean into the spirit beneath. Therapy and trauma work has been PARAMOUNT in this and, for me, has been the only way I have been able to keep my eyes and heart open to behavior patterns and opportunities for change and growth.

What’s happening in this process is this: I am learning to trust myself. In that, room has been made to be myself. I learn more and more about what that looks like everyday. What I do know is that it isn’t putting on a professional face, but rather recognizing that as a part of who I have become. It isn’t identifying as an alcoholic, but rather as a woman living in and exuding recovery. Not a divorcee, but someone who stood up for myself and left a marriage that was harming both parties. And lastly, not just a sexual assault and rape survivor, but a woman who understands the importance of boundaries while still allowing myself to be a sexual being.

No longer do I need to stand in shame. Today I will stand proudly in who I am and what got me here. Love y’all!

Opinions and Sex

Opinions and Sex

by lindsannette ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

As I navigate my 30’s outside of a committed relationship, I have taken some time to reflect on my sexual history and ideals. As someone who finds myself gathering the opinions of others before sitting with myself and reflecting on my own, this has been an interesting one to navigate.

I have what I like to call a “colorful” sexual history. If we are being honest, we all know that this is intensely different for women than it is for men. People talk about women giving it up too soon, it’s as if there isn’t a man involved giving it up right along side her. I do believe sex is a special thing, and I haven’t always. There are times I wish I hadn’t done it, times I wish I’d waited, things I wish hadn’t happened. There are also the many times that it contributed to the soulful, passionate and open minded person I believe I can be. The good and bad experiences have brought me to where I am today, just like anything else in life.

I am an open book. I love to talk about my experiences, my ideas, ask questions. Sex is one of my favorite topics- mostly because everyone is so unique in that area and I am truly intrigued but also because sometimes I just enjoy making people squirm as a well-poised woman tells intimate details of sexual encounters.

A male acquaintance recently overheard a conversation I was having with a girlfriend about whether I wanted to sleep with someone (I will not give out any information about my status with this person because IT DOESN’T MATTER), and he said “WHOA, Lindsay. Calm down.” This was followed by statements like “YOU calm down”, “She’s a grown-ass woman” and other statements backing up MY decision as my own. Can we take a breath to realize how ridiculous that is?

Another statement that comes to mind was from a well-meaning and very treasured friend of mine. He said something along the lines of “if it means something to you, you’ll wait.” Now, I understand this and I think that for some people it is true. I completely respect that path. What I don’t love about this statement is that it implies that if I don’t wait, the relationship becomes less meaningful. Is this something we also say to men? I can’t decide if that is a rhetorical question or not.

What about the women I talked to? These are some of the things they said: Pay attention to your gut; Do what feels right; If you choose to move in that direction, be safe; DO YOU. Now, I understand I have the best girlfriends in the world that are all aware of my sticky past surrounding sex- also, this is probably the only advice I ever respond positively to. Regardless, THIS is what moves me toward personal empowerment. THIS is what reminds me that the answers are within me. THIS is what reminds me that I can trust myself to make my own decisions.

I love men and I have had some profound experiences with some that seem to truly understand the struggle of sexual women, or that lack most judgement around the subject. What if it weren’t profound to have those experiences? I would love to hear any of your experiences. Love y’all!