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Aesthetically, fuck you

Aesthetically, fuck you

by lindsannette ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My brain is wiiiiired for the drama, the trauma, the crawling out of dark spaces, the focus on betterment, working on myself, improving this that and the other and, well, I’m kind of tired. I haven’t opened this in FOUR years because I didn’t want to confront how often I write about things I am working on. The last time I posted (four years ago) was a private post about the same thing I was going to write about today… which further confirms where my brain is comfortable. I’ll sum it up so I can move on. My intense response to emotional situations with men (i.e. hiding under tables, kicking and screaming, shutting down in utter and complete fear) are a trauma response I was “gifted” when I was 16 and completely violated – my body responded, or didn’t, a certain way and has continued to over the next 20+ years as I, and all of my therapists, have somehow not quite put that together or taught me how to create safety around feelings, emotions, disagreements, etc. I have since then sought relationships that exaggerate and/or mirror behaviors of my abusers.

Great, moving on. I’m ENGAGED!!! I would like to be very clear, this is a pattern change in the most spectacular of ways. I am safe, I am loved, I am cherished. There is room for my whole self, I am held when I cry, I am reminded I am safe when my body believes I’m in danger, I am celebrated for all I have walked through and most importantly, for me, we are focusing on living in that part of myself less. On romanticizing the life we have built, dancing in the rain, on whimsy and aesthetics – because they make my heart smile. This man is a “put on a record and dance in the living room” man, a “cry in my arms so tomorrow you can laugh in them” man. Did we just wake up here one day? HELL no, we worked our asses of for it. We show up for each other, wherever we are at… and then take a walk to watch the deer prance across the meadow. We make life magic by showing up for it.

Good thing – because I was sexually assaulted in December by a close friend. There are a million details that make this story especially rough, and I’d like to keep those close. At this point, it felt like I somehow found these situations for myself. As is briefly mentioned previously, my brain is wired toward trauma, my body revels in shutting down. At some point, naturally, I started to believe that I was weak, that I ask for it, that I surround myself with a life that will perpetuate this cycle. There is research to back some of that, intellectually I understand this and that made it beyond infuriating that understanding did not help. Please, please understand that this is not victim blaming. I do not take accountability for anyone behaving in these despicable ways, or for violating someone (me) that should have absolutely been in a safe environment. I especially understand the wrongness as I can 1,000% say that had the roles been reversed, there would be no victim, no early flights home, no emergency medical leave, no dark basement for weeks on end, no twitching spells or psychiatry appointments. So to be clear, a big FUCK YOU to this person.

Anyway, back to my fiancé, whom I am learning I can be free with. I have been stuck in a body that learned something a long time ago that does not serve me, and while I understand it, I resent it. I know that having a person is not a necessity, but I also learned that not having one, or continuing to date emotionally unavailable, perpetually avoidant partners was helping me avoid addressing the things I needed to break out of my abuse cycles. Here, with this person, I am being witnessed. I am yelling, dancing, jumping up and down, bothering him, kicking and screaming and hitting the ground, getting (safely) angry, crying LOUDLY, laughing even louder and without restraint. I am sitting quietly, learning to again experience the world rather than gather information to protect myself from it. I’m sitting at a cute coffee shop, writing on my blog, in a cute outfit with wild, red, curly hair and a honey lavender latte because to me these things matter, these things are life. I give myself an incredible amount of credit for getting here, for being here, for moving forward. And I give endless thanks to this soft blue-eyed man, mostly for letting me stare into those eyes as long as I need to so I can find all of the good things of the world reflected in them.

I guess today is a little bit of fuck you, a little bit of thank you, a touch of freedom and a world of hope.

Love y’all.

Standing in My Story

Standing in My Story

by lindsannette ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

In therapy today, we talked about how I often find myself struggling to be the combination of “who I was” and “who I am”. This has been brought to light more while entering the dating world post-divorce, as well as in my professional life. I have handled this a couple different ways, both of which we decided could use some work:

  • Hide my past completely and pretend to be a lesser version of myself, or
  • Overshare and test the willingness of those around me to accept all of me or be gone

I struggle with the combination of being a: working professional, sober alcoholic, free spirit, story teller, sexual trauma survivor, healthy sex-life advocate. I am in a season of learning how to allow all of these things to co-exist, and how I can show up in the world standing strong in my story.

This journey began with understanding that my unhealthy behaviors around alcohol and sex stemmed from brokenness. These were my self-harm and self-preservation techniques in the confusing world I was living in- the tools I used to dull the pain of unmanaged abandonment and trauma. They are not who I am, but instead experiences I had that have allowed me to reach kinds of emotional and physical bottoms that have bred an understanding of pain on a unique level. The journey continued when I began to understand that these behaviors hindered who I was. With them removed, I am able to lean into the spirit beneath. Therapy and trauma work has been PARAMOUNT in this and, for me, has been the only way I have been able to keep my eyes and heart open to behavior patterns and opportunities for change and growth.

What’s happening in this process is this: I am learning to trust myself. In that, room has been made to be myself. I learn more and more about what that looks like everyday. What I do know is that it isn’t putting on a professional face, but rather recognizing that as a part of who I have become. It isn’t identifying as an alcoholic, but rather as a woman living in and exuding recovery. Not a divorcee, but someone who stood up for myself and left a marriage that was harming both parties. And lastly, not just a sexual assault and rape survivor, but a woman who understands the importance of boundaries while still allowing myself to be a sexual being.

No longer do I need to stand in shame. Today I will stand proudly in who I am and what got me here. Love y’all!

Opinions and Sex

Opinions and Sex

by lindsannette ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

As I navigate my 30’s outside of a committed relationship, I have taken some time to reflect on my sexual history and ideals. As someone who finds myself gathering the opinions of others before sitting with myself and reflecting on my own, this has been an interesting one to navigate.

I have what I like to call a “colorful” sexual history. If we are being honest, we all know that this is intensely different for women than it is for men. People talk about women giving it up too soon, it’s as if there isn’t a man involved giving it up right along side her. I do believe sex is a special thing, and I haven’t always. There are times I wish I hadn’t done it, times I wish I’d waited, things I wish hadn’t happened. There are also the many times that it contributed to the soulful, passionate and open minded person I believe I can be. The good and bad experiences have brought me to where I am today, just like anything else in life.

I am an open book. I love to talk about my experiences, my ideas, ask questions. Sex is one of my favorite topics- mostly because everyone is so unique in that area and I am truly intrigued but also because sometimes I just enjoy making people squirm as a well-poised woman tells intimate details of sexual encounters.

A male acquaintance recently overheard a conversation I was having with a girlfriend about whether I wanted to sleep with someone (I will not give out any information about my status with this person because IT DOESN’T MATTER), and he said “WHOA, Lindsay. Calm down.” This was followed by statements like “YOU calm down”, “She’s a grown-ass woman” and other statements backing up MY decision as my own. Can we take a breath to realize how ridiculous that is?

Another statement that comes to mind was from a well-meaning and very treasured friend of mine. He said something along the lines of “if it means something to you, you’ll wait.” Now, I understand this and I think that for some people it is true. I completely respect that path. What I don’t love about this statement is that it implies that if I don’t wait, the relationship becomes less meaningful. Is this something we also say to men? I can’t decide if that is a rhetorical question or not.

What about the women I talked to? These are some of the things they said: Pay attention to your gut; Do what feels right; If you choose to move in that direction, be safe; DO YOU. Now, I understand I have the best girlfriends in the world that are all aware of my sticky past surrounding sex- also, this is probably the only advice I ever respond positively to. Regardless, THIS is what moves me toward personal empowerment. THIS is what reminds me that the answers are within me. THIS is what reminds me that I can trust myself to make my own decisions.

I love men and I have had some profound experiences with some that seem to truly understand the struggle of sexual women, or that lack most judgement around the subject. What if it weren’t profound to have those experiences? I would love to hear any of your experiences. Love y’all!

Doing Dallas Alone

Doing Dallas Alone

by lindsannette ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I moved to Dallas, Texas in the middle of summer 2018. I was newly married and ready to live out the rest of my well-planned life. My engagement checked all my boxes- I was 28, which meant I could be married before I turned 30. That’s it, that was my only box. It was a great day filled with fishing, lots of coffee, a California sunset, crashing waves, and a man that had absolutely changed my life. Before I met him I had been struggling to stop drinking, was technically unemployed, and had recently moved back to my parents house. While I did the footwork, he absolutely paved the path. I had been flailing for years and having an example of stability and discipline was live-saving.

By the time we got engaged, married and moved to Dallas, our connection had all but disintegrated. That’s a story for another day, but the relationship had proven a large distraction from the impending internal overhaul I needed. We were living separately by June of 2019, and the divorce was finalized in February 2020. I will likely mention divorce often throughout this blog. It is not a dirty word, and in my case, wasn’t a dirty experience. I’ll address this another day.

Once he moved back to California and after a whirlwind of a couple years, I found myself in the middle of 2020 (yikes), 1,689 miles from home and divorced. My life plans had seemingly blown up right in front of me. My dog, Boomer, and I set out on a self-discovery journey.

This looked like foster dogs, long walks, long talks, reconnecting to my sex life, therapy, journaling, self-help books, Netflix binging, sitting in feelings, avoiding feelings, online dating, swearing off dating forever, dating again, more therapy… and A LOT of alone time with my feelings *gasp*.

I feel privileged to have the kind of health insurance that allows for such regular therapy visits. Without her guidance I have no doubt I would be deep in my favorite unhealthy coping mechanisms. I truly believe they served me until I could get here, but their time is up. For me, to face the emotions of my life is no small task. This is the biggest, most intentional transformation I have ever willingly walked into and I think it’s important recognize that while I have always managed the best I knew how, and that I now know better.

Ugh. THIS. IS. HARD. There is a global pandemic, I have a full time job, a social life to keep up with, a dog to take care of, I suffer from chronic migraines and all of this brain work is IMMENSELY EXHAUSTING. It is a complete overhaul of my brain, rewiring my decision making, making sense of my childhood and the effects it has on my adulthood, my feelings, the connections between trauma and behavior, of emotional abandonment. I am learning how to connect with and respect my body, the significance of boundaries. I am connecting the stories of my life to the feelings attached to them and I am TIRED. I am depressed most of the time, I don’t enjoy the simple things I normally find so much joy in. Every day is long, and every task takes effort. There is this underlying feeling, though, that something has shifted. When I look at the last few months I see COURAGE, STRENGTH, RESILIENCE. I see a woman treating herself with RESPECT, with PATIENCE, with ENCOURAGEMENT.

THAT is why I am doing this. THAT is who I am and who I am becoming every time I make a decision to do the hard thing, to look a little deeper, to be a little more honest, more willing. Every now and then the sun peeks out of the clouds and I feel it in my soul. I am trudging but there is forever hope, and I know my light cannot be put out.

I am doing this. I have a wonderful support group, a phenomenal therapist, a loving God, a perfect puppy… But I am doing this, feeling the feelings, showing up, opening up, digging deeper. Dallas, Texas has given me the space and the resources that I needed to go this alone and I can’t wait to see where I go. I’m doing Dallas alone and I am KILLING it when it isn’t killing me.

Love y’all.