I moved to Dallas, Texas in the middle of summer 2018. I was newly married and ready to live out the rest of my well-planned life. My engagement checked all my boxes- I was 28, which meant I could be married before I turned 30. That’s it, that was my only box. It was a great day filled with fishing, lots of coffee, a California sunset, crashing waves, and a man that had absolutely changed my life. Before I met him I had been struggling to stop drinking, was technically unemployed, and had recently moved back to my parents house. While I did the footwork, he absolutely paved the path. I had been flailing for years and having an example of stability and discipline was live-saving.

By the time we got engaged, married and moved to Dallas, our connection had all but disintegrated. That’s a story for another day, but the relationship had proven a large distraction from the impending internal overhaul I needed. We were living separately by June of 2019, and the divorce was finalized in February 2020. I will likely mention divorce often throughout this blog. It is not a dirty word, and in my case, wasn’t a dirty experience. I’ll address this another day.

Once he moved back to California and after a whirlwind of a couple years, I found myself in the middle of 2020 (yikes), 1,689 miles from home and divorced. My life plans had seemingly blown up right in front of me. My dog, Boomer, and I set out on a self-discovery journey.

This looked like foster dogs, long walks, long talks, reconnecting to my sex life, therapy, journaling, self-help books, Netflix binging, sitting in feelings, avoiding feelings, online dating, swearing off dating forever, dating again, more therapy… and A LOT of alone time with my feelings *gasp*.

I feel privileged to have the kind of health insurance that allows for such regular therapy visits. Without her guidance I have no doubt I would be deep in my favorite unhealthy coping mechanisms. I truly believe they served me until I could get here, but their time is up. For me, to face the emotions of my life is no small task. This is the biggest, most intentional transformation I have ever willingly walked into and I think it’s important recognize that while I have always managed the best I knew how, and that I now know better.

Ugh. THIS. IS. HARD. There is a global pandemic, I have a full time job, a social life to keep up with, a dog to take care of, I suffer from chronic migraines and all of this brain work is IMMENSELY EXHAUSTING. It is a complete overhaul of my brain, rewiring my decision making, making sense of my childhood and the effects it has on my adulthood, my feelings, the connections between trauma and behavior, of emotional abandonment. I am learning how to connect with and respect my body, the significance of boundaries. I am connecting the stories of my life to the feelings attached to them and I am TIRED. I am depressed most of the time, I don’t enjoy the simple things I normally find so much joy in. Every day is long, and every task takes effort. There is this underlying feeling, though, that something has shifted. When I look at the last few months I see COURAGE, STRENGTH, RESILIENCE. I see a woman treating herself with RESPECT, with PATIENCE, with ENCOURAGEMENT.

THAT is why I am doing this. THAT is who I am and who I am becoming every time I make a decision to do the hard thing, to look a little deeper, to be a little more honest, more willing. Every now and then the sun peeks out of the clouds and I feel it in my soul. I am trudging but there is forever hope, and I know my light cannot be put out.

I am doing this. I have a wonderful support group, a phenomenal therapist, a loving God, a perfect puppy… But I am doing this, feeling the feelings, showing up, opening up, digging deeper. Dallas, Texas has given me the space and the resources that I needed to go this alone and I can’t wait to see where I go. I’m doing Dallas alone and I am KILLING it when it isn’t killing me.

Love y’all.