It is so absolutely wild to me the things men, women and the like have been taught about themselves by society. I say society because, yes, maybe we have been taught by our parents- but likely they were taught by theirs, and so it goes on. Placing blame on people rarely sits well for me. I have spent most of my adult life feeling like the crazy girlfriend, friend, wife, colleague, trying to avoid this title by not being too emotional, by stuffing down my needs, by minimizing my life experience. Men are taught that it is weak to have emotional needs, to just all out suppress them. It breeds so much internal chaos for all of us and can create severe and lasting damage. This is me fighting like hell against that.

I have done extensive amounts of therapy over the last few years, but you can’t get every nook and cranny, and by no means did it cure me of my history, my past experiences, my traumas- it gave me tools. I hadn’t had a panic attack since my last relationship. They generally happen when I am close to a man and reaching a place in our friendship or relationship that requires vulnerability to keep moving forward. I knew this, part of me has always known this- but I never understood it AND I can only deal with so many issues at a time. This has been a non-issue for some years now, so basically it didn’t exist, right?

When I was a teenager I started having panic attacks. I can’t recall when exactly. If it was around the time my grandma died, around the time I lost my virginity to a guy in a relationship, when I was groomed by an older man, when I was assaulted, when I started having trouble with girlfriends, when shoplifting was my most successful hobby. Regardless, I believe I had them because I was having emotional experiences that I could not manage. I still struggle greatly with emotions. Having them, feeling them, experiencing them, naming them. We aren’t close, emotions and I. I have avoided them most of my life and have found many ways to drown them out including, but not limited to: drugs, alcohol, sex, food. I fear negative emotions more than anything. Again, I believe that started as a teen when the only way my body knew how to react to negative emotions was to go into FULL BLOWN PANIC. If you have not had a panic attack, I am genuinely very glad for you. Imagine having no control of your brain, it’s thoughts, your breathing, your heart-rate, your body- all the while genuinely believing you are going to die, or that it would be better to than what you are experiencing in those moments. So yea, I like to avoid those.

Fast forward to a generally confident, self sufficient, thriving thirty something year old excited to live life after building an amazing relationship with myself after years of turmoil. Life is hard overall, I think most of us can agree that the last few years has introduced pressures that none of us are equipped to deal with. A pandemic, online dating (fucking yikes), housing crisis, ANOTHER recession, these gas prices, this fucking government, FUCK. On top of that, I’m attempting to visit a dreaded area in my life- relationships with men. CUE: panic attack.

Almost every time I have had a panic attack I have wanted one thing in the midst of it: a savior. When I was young, it was my dad that I wanted and he was very much not emotionally available. I don’t fault him for this- he is one of my absolute favorite fucking people on this planet. He shows up for me today with the understanding that for a long time he didn’t and couldn’t. He learns and grows with the rest of us and that is a goddamn beautiful thing that I am grateful for every day. Nonetheless, I was left wanting pretty young, with emotional needs left unmet. So I would cry and scream and yell and convulse and shake and crawl into a ball and hyperventilate and desperately hope for the feelings to end.

They never looked much different moving into adulthood. They have been triggered by close male friends, boyfriends, my ex-husband, and the list is… continuing. I would like to be clear- while yes, they were triggered by these people, these people were not the root of the problem. I remember one clearly, it was before I quit drinking. I was in a particularly dark place and drinking usually kept me from having them, but not this time. I wanted that ONE person to come be my savior, and he was refusing. Rightfully so, it’s a heavy thing to put on anyone. So what did I do? I sat in the middle of a street claiming that I didn’t want to live until someone convinced him to come. I got sober the next day, disgusted by my behavior. This is just one example, they continued through my twenties and into my marriage.

It fucking happened again. I am in a place where I am intentionally trying to be vulnerable and build strong foundations with the sex that brings me legitimate panic just by being what they are, at no fault of their own. I have avoided this for almost three years and it hit like a brick wall. The feeling in the moment was just as awful, but in hindsight I see A LOT of changes.

1. I quickly understood that the underlying problem was not the person that triggered me
2. I called WOMEN that are close to me WHILE in the middle of the attack, screaming, hyperventilating, all of the above. I wanted to get better and I knew who to call in my support system
3. I almost immediately sought medical care because I am not okay with this behavior affecting those I care about
4. I apologized to those I lashed out at
5. I understood that I did not create this in myself and that I deserve grace and love and understanding from myself above all
6. I looked at the root of the issue, and as with everything else I have learned, I understood that there is a part of myself I am not attending to and that it deserves love from ME
7. I saw that I, again, was seeking a savior. Luckily this person knows they can’t be that for me and kindly let me have my experience on my own
8. I now understand that I must be my own savior. And this time I was. With the help of my people, of course, but I gave myself permission to ask for help, permission to be a mess, permission to ask for forgiveness, permission to move forward, and to LEARN more about me, my experiences, and my internal make up.
9. I think I actually love myself a little more, now.
10. I found that I am choosing people in my life that better fit my needs, that embody kindness and understanding, and that allow me to have my experiences without judgement
11. I found new tools because chances are, it’ll happen again and I want to be armed with the love, kindness and patience that got me through this one, that was shown to me by me and by those that love me.

I am currently trying to embody that this experience doesn’t dull my shine even if I sat in darkness with it for some time. I can be all of it- confident, depressed, joyful, anxious, optimistic, cynical, loving, vulnerable, scared, etc.

Until next time. I love you all 🙂