I haven’t written in a while because I get into these weird spaces where I am writing for other people, where I write according to how it will be received rather than from an authentic place. I feel clear today and have given myself the space to share that. The journey I’ve been on in life the last couple of years has found me in that position often- not with writing, but in conversations. Navigating what to share, who to share it with, how it may be perceived, how/whether I’ll be judged. Frankly, it has gotten exhausting. I don’t fault others for this, I just don’t think we live in a society that truly celebrates individuality and I am regularly encouraged by others I see fighting against that grain. I am here to do the same.

We all grow up under different sets of circumstances. I won’t spend time dissecting the struggles and successes that partake in defining us- but I think, or at least hope, we all have a time in our lives where we try to break free from and/or question the societal pressures and norms put upon us. Early in life I found myself running in circles trying to find myself without the right tools. I used alcohol, sex, food, god, fitness, etc to try to feel whole. All were used unhealthily and ultimately led to some kind of detriment. I was back and forth between couch surfing, jobs, cheating, drinking wine out of to-go cups (or just liquor straight from the bottle with no *apparent* shame); and managing just enough of a life to keep people off my back. Then I found the solution, the mixture of a proper 25 year old: a monogamous relationship that would result in marriage, religion, blonde hair, the perfect amount of make up, and conservative appearance. I even started getting my tattoos removed. If these things work for you, great, I love seeing you do you. However, SO much of it was incredibly far from who I was and am. I didn’t know that yet- and it didn’t matter. I needed to fit in to what society deems normal in order to save my life.

And honestly, it did. I am grateful to be in a place where I can look back and see that. However, what I don’t love is the world that shies so strongly away from who I wanted to be, of the girl that wanted to live a little outside of the lines. How do you succeed when you don’t fit the mold?

Don’t get me wrong- I don’t condone cheating, and alcoholism is a whole other story. I also used sex in very unhealthy ways to cope with trauma. I do think, though, that if the world were a little kinder it would have been different. Did shame around promiscuity make me have less and safer sex? Certainly not, it just made me feel worse about it. How about shame around alcohol consumption? I have a feeling that thinking poorly of myself for not being able to control drinking probably encouraged me to drink more. Do tattoos make me unemployable, give me too much of an edge? My current employment status would argue that.

Anyway- something had to give and apparently that was everything that made me who I was (I am being a little dramatic. I love my ex-husband to death and learned so many valuable lessons in that season of my life- but that’s not the point here). I feel like I woke up one day and I was basically a Christian housewife that had sex twice a year and had to put make-up on before leaving the house. I was always put together. Again, please don’t yell at me. If that’s who you are FUCKIN’ ROCK IT (as long as you’re not coming after my uterus, sexuality, and all the human rights of everyone else- k thanks). The sad thing about this is MY LIFE WORKED SO WELL. If you don’t count my clinical depression and anxiety, panic attacks, severe insomnia and weight fluctuation. I got hired all sorts of great places. I nannied (people let me watch their kids! JK I am great with kids). I got hired for a job I was barely qualified for (that I still have- am definitely qualified for, and absolutely LOVE). I looked the part and I played it well. What a way to live.

FAST FORWARD TO NOW. Wow. WHAT A YEAR. Here’s what I can say about how I got here- I played the part (I literally didn’t know that’s what I was doing, it was all subconscious and created by the world around me), and then I started therapy. Then I left my husband. Then I started to have sex again (a lot of it), but like- the way I wanted to, not the way I did in my late teens and early 20’s. I made decisions about it that I wanted to make. I faltered sometimes, learned from it, and got back on track. And WOW is it fun! Then I worked through the sex trauma from my past with my therapist that came up because I was having sex again. I got promoted at work, twice. I continued therapy. I worked on childhood trauma, on my issues around abandonment and neglect. I hugged my child self. I continued to kick ass at my job and my friendships and being a dog mom. I found out I also like sleeping with women, so I explored that. I deepened friendships, and made new ones. I started to fall in love with myself. I found out about different kinds of relationships, lifestyles, and started living outside of the norm. Challenging what we are taught to believe feeds my soul. I check in with myself. I am learning to trust myself. My continue to grow in my relationships with my family because I can show up differently- confident, self-assured, loving and understanding. Of course I have faults and fall backs- I hope that’s just a given when talking about these things.

Then I was assaulted in a coffee shop parking lot in the middle of the day, and I faltered. At least I thought I did. Those close to me saw differently, and they let me know. I felt what happened, and I felt it hard. I talked about it, I did work around it. It is an addition to my experience but also showed me how much my relationship with myself has grown. I didn’t own it, I experienced it. When I was ready, I got back up and continued to experience the rest of my life.
Disclaimer: there is no right way to walk through this, and I feel fortunate to have had the tools I did this time. Whatever your journey is, is valid.

Right now? Right now I am sitting in my apartment with my dog- having chosen to spend most of the day with myself, something I haven’t always enjoyed and that I now treasure. I have reconnected with my body in ways I didn’t know I’d be able to again (I attribute a lot of this to the patience I begrudgingly learned to have while my body wouldn’t do what I wanted it to). I am enjoying movement and nourishment, pleasure from myself and others (yum), and recognizing my ability to show up as a kick ass employee, friend, sister, daughter and self. I am not a gratitude junkie, but I do find it sometimes. When I am struggling, I lean away from it and I think that is healthy for me- accepting where I am at even if it is dark and I hate every body and every thing. When I am doing well, I can find it in those who have harmed me, loved me, supported me, and who have only passed by. I think right now, though, I find a lot of it in myself, for myself. I wish the same upon you.

Love y’all.