In therapy today, we talked about how I often find myself struggling to be the combination of “who I was” and “who I am”. This has been brought to light more while entering the dating world post-divorce, as well as in my professional life. I have handled this a couple different ways, both of which we decided could use some work:

• Hide my past completely and pretend to be a lesser version of myself, or
• Overshare and test the willingness of those around me to accept all of me or be gone

I struggle with the combination of being a: working professional, sober alcoholic, free spirit, story teller, sexual trauma survivor, healthy sex-life advocate. I am in a season of learning how to allow all of these things to co-exist, and how I can show up in the world standing strong in my story.

This journey began with understanding that my unhealthy behaviors around alcohol and sex stemmed from brokenness. These were my self-harm and self-preservation techniques in the confusing world I was living in- the tools I used to dull the pain of unmanaged abandonment and trauma. They are not who I am, but instead experiences I had that have allowed me to reach kinds of emotional and physical bottoms that have bred an understanding of pain on a unique level. The journey continued when I began to understand that these behaviors hindered who I was. With them removed, I am able to lean into the spirit beneath. Therapy and trauma work has been PARAMOUNT in this and, for me, has been the only way I have been able to keep my eyes and heart open to behavior patterns and opportunities for change and growth.

What’s happening in this process is this: I am learning to trust myself. In that, room has been made to be myself. I learn more and more about what that looks like everyday. What I do know is that it isn’t putting on a professional face, but rather recognizing that as a part of who I have become. It isn’t identifying as an alcoholic, but rather as a woman living in and exuding recovery. Not a divorcee, but someone who stood up for myself and left a marriage that was harming both parties. And lastly, not just a sexual assault and rape survivor, but a woman who understands the importance of boundaries while still allowing myself to be a sexual being.

No longer do I need to stand in shame. Today I will stand proudly in who I am and what got me here. Love y’all!