This move was important for me in a million different ways. Almost all of those include some sort of self-bonding, learning to trust myself, becoming more grounded in my body, in who I am and how I relate to the world and those around me. For the most part, minus the inevitable life that shows up, I have really hunkered down and made this a priority. Paramount has been my most recent excursion. Colorado is filled with people that seem connected with themselves and the outdoors, and it has been a noticeable effort to let that encourage rather than discourage, to use those around me as support, to steer clear of defeat. I often find myself in discussion with myself looking for reminders that this journey is highly personal and judging myself based on the experience of others will significantly hinder any progress.

A little background- I left home initially when I was 17. From then until 25 I lived with boyfriends, their families, in my car, on couches, and every now and then I could hold a job long enough to have my own apartment… for a few months at a time. When I turned 25, I met my now ex-husband, who I quickly moved in with and had the first real sense of stability that I could remember. While that relationship was a disaster and ended in turmoil for both of us, I am grateful for the friendship that came out of it and for the lessons I learned on how to live in a way that afforded me a roof over my head, food in my belly, and liquor off my breath.

I am not hard on myself for this and understand that in some ways I am a victim of circumstance, that I didn’t know how to show up for life, that role models were sparce, dependency was a bad word and repeated traumas held me captive in more ways than I can ever explain. I think my saving grace lies in understanding that I am a person among people. I have had it worse than some and better than others, I can give my experiences the attention they need and move forward as I see fit.

Fast forward- here I am living my life, standing up for myself, sitting on mounds of confidence after years of internal work and I decided that I wanted to go camp by myself, in my car, with minimal equipment and in an unfamiliar area. Something has been keeping me from feeling free. I thought for a while it was relationships with men, so I avoided those. Then, when approached with one, I still didn’t show up as myself even after years of intense work. There is and has always been something in me that Just. Does. Not. Let. Go. I began craving SO BADLY the feeling of just being, loving myself without distraction, letting go, saying yes, showing up, feeling deeply and without hesitation, breaking down walls. Getting outside has always been an avenue of freedom for me and I wanted to experience it on another level. I wanted to camp in my car in 20 degrees, to hike alone in the middle of nowhere, to bathe naked with a view of the endless wilderness. So, I did. I had conversations with myself, no one around to listen, I laughed and ran and smiled. I breathed hard and kept going when I needed to and rested when I needed that.

It has been some time since then, and I believe this was an absolute turning point, an awakening of self that will allow me to show up as me- because if I don’t, I know I’ll miss her too much to keep going.

Today I climbed a mountain. It was hard, I was tired. It was beautiful and I was astounded. My favorite therapy takeaway is along those lines, coexistence. It can be difficult AND wonderful. I can be scared AND happy. I can grieve my past AND be excited for my future.

As I sit in my car writing this, watching a stunning sunset, taking breaks between words to take it in- I know what is next. I feel connected to the universe, to my spirit, and to the ghosts of my past. They all give me the strength for this next chapter and it is going to be GOOD.